tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25573541.post115766753297927087..comments2023-07-01T07:31:28.450-06:00Comments on LDS Publisher: Opening Paragraph #14LDS_Publisherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15053645600240124892noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25573541.post-1158168786918865402006-09-13T11:33:00.000-06:002006-09-13T11:33:00.000-06:00Actually there are still too many brooms in this p...Actually there are still too many brooms in this paragraph. Repetition is a nasty beastie! No matter how much you may like the broom reference (with her broom drawn), get rid of it and the paragarph really sings along nicely. Something like:<BR/><BR/>"You rotten little beasties!" Petal wielded her broom like a knight swinging a broadsword. "Get out!" She headed into the garden and chased the single-horned, feather-winged dwarf ponies into the sky. Petal threw down her broom between the half-eaten rows of pickle-mushroom and toad-root. Where was Falco? Her gaze slowly lifted from the garden, past the pointed portico, up beyond the towers and trellis of wrought-iron to the thatched roof where her pet guard dragon lay sunning his lizard skin wings in the afternoon rays. He yawned at the sun before nestling his pointed head into the thick grasses and fell asleep. Why didn't she listen to the mortal pet salesman and get a dog? She pointed the broom at the good-for-nothing spineless-lard-of-a mythical-beast, conjured a go-to-bed-without-your-dinner incantation and cried, "Falco!"David G. Woolleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09392352753586598503noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25573541.post-1158168629412493142006-09-13T11:30:00.000-06:002006-09-13T11:30:00.000-06:00Actually there is also too much repetition of the ...Actually there is also too much repetition of the broom and a few other descriptions. No matter how much you may like it, edit out one of the broom referecnes (with her broom drawn) and the paragraph really sings. Something like:<BR/><BR/>"You rotten little beasties!" Petal wielded her broom like a knight swinging a broadsword. "Get out!" She headed into the garden and chased the single-horned, feather-winged dwarf ponies into the sky. Petal threw down her broom between the half-eaten rows of pickle-mushroom and toad-root. Where was Falco? Her gaze slowly lifted from the garden, past the pointed portico, up beyond the towers and trellis of wrought-iron to the thatched roof where her pet guard dragon lay sunning his lizard skin wings in the afternoon rays. He yawned at the sun before nestling his pointed head into the thick grasses and fell asleep. Why didn't she listen to the mortal pet salesman and get a dog? She pointed the broom at the good-for-nothing spineless-lard-of-a mythical-beast, conjured a go-to-bed-without-your-dinner incantation and cried, "Falco!"David G. Woolleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09392352753586598503noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25573541.post-1158167818732206902006-09-13T11:16:00.000-06:002006-09-13T11:16:00.000-06:00This is a wonderful paragraph. However there is a ...This is a wonderful paragraph. However there is a little repetition (mini ponies and unicorns) that water-down, rather than add to the fun of the writing. There are also a number of small descriptive details that, in fantasy, cry out for some hyphenated fun. If you edit this paragraph, remove the repetition, add in some fantasy scene-setting details, and throw in some fantasy-for-the-fun-of-it-hyphenated-descriptors. A rewrite like this may be just what you're looking for:<BR/><BR/>"You rotten little beasties!" Petal wielded her broom like a knight swinging a broadsword. "Get out!" She headed into the garden with her broom drawn and chased the single-horned, feather-winged dwarf ponies into the sky. Petal threw down her broom between the half-eaten rows of pickle-mushroom and toad-root. Where was Falco? Her gaze slowly lifted from the garden, past the pointed portico, up beyond the towers and trellis of wrought-iron to the thatched roof where her pet guard dragon lay sunning his lizard skin wings in the afternoon rays. He yawned at the sun before nestling his pointed head into the thick grasses and fell asleep. Why didn't she listen to the mortal pet salesman and get a dog? She pointed the broom at the good-for-nothing spineless-lard-of-a mythical-beast, conjured a go-to-bed-without-your-dinner incantation and cried, "Falco!"Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25573541.post-1157829712472434762006-09-09T13:21:00.000-06:002006-09-09T13:21:00.000-06:00Finally, fantasy comes to the mormon world! I vot...Finally, fantasy comes to the mormon world! I vote here!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25573541.post-1157819449675836712006-09-09T10:30:00.000-06:002006-09-09T10:30:00.000-06:00Tough to buy into this one being a single paragrap...Tough to buy into this one being a single paragraph. With three different sections of dialog broken up by lots of actions. But I'll give it a vote anyway.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25573541.post-1157763403843313182006-09-08T18:56:00.000-06:002006-09-08T18:56:00.000-06:00What a fun feeling of fantasy here! I really like ...What a fun feeling of fantasy here! I really like the line "The unicorns, who had settled in the nearby branches, scolded from afar." Tiny unicorns. How sweet. Can I have one and a rooftop dragon? I vote for this one.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25573541.post-1157749835194913492006-09-08T15:10:00.000-06:002006-09-08T15:10:00.000-06:00I vote this one. I love the idea of dragons and un...I vote this one. I love the idea of dragons and unicorns and greener gardens! In fact, I would have a unicorn if I had the r.oom in the backyardSandrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03761951935843784725noreply@blogger.com