Critique This! #4

THE QUERY:

Dear Editor,

Hardly anyone gets off at the Regret exit unless they’re visiting relatives or having car trouble. But for single-again Jane Field, Regret, Wyoming may be her best last chance to build a secure home where she can raise her seven-year old twin daughters within the gospel.

Jane faces that challenge with skimpy finances, a derelict old farmhouse, disapproving non-member parents who urge her to “Come home”, her ex-husband’s gambling addiction, midnight mailbox mashers, power tools, skunks, and a meddling sister-in-law. She is so busy she has not noticed her twins, Hannah and Faith, are keeping a secret from her. A frightening secret about someone hiding in the derelict [Only use derelict once.] chicken coop behind their new “old” house. [Is this a horror story? Suspense?]

Into the mix, come Jane’s ailing and homeless ex-father-in-law and his little dog, Moxie. And Luke and Rosina, a young couple trapped Luke’s mother’s past. [This sentence doesn’t make any sense. Who is Luke? Who is Rosina? Why do we care?] Douglas Riley, the 11-year old who has been accidentally abandoned by his divorced parents [how in the world is a child “accidentally abandoned”? Is this a humorous novel?], and Sariah, the twins’ future step-sister. [step-sister because her Jane remarries or because her husband does?] [Incomplete sentence.]

As Jane rebuilds her life and her house, she learns a home is more important than a house but both must be set with sure foundations and framed with strong timber by supporting and unselfish parents. [Who are the parents? Hers? Does she marry and she and her new husband are the parents? This is confusing.]

Regret, Wyoming Jane [huh? This title doesn’t make any sense. Also, don't bold, just italicize the title.] is primarily intended for LDS women and emphasizes the importance of individual righteousness and strong family relationships in creating a gospel-centered home. It is the first in a collection of novels set in Regret, Wyoming and comprised of stories, some set in different time periods, about individual residents. [Generally, a series follows the characters, not the town they live in. I’m not sure this is a strong selling point.]

I'd be happy to send you a complete copy of the manuscript of Regret, Wyoming Jane for your review. [Review is not the word you want to use.] Thank you for your consideration and time. An SASE is enclosed for your reply.



THE CRITIQUE:

The best thing about this query is the name of the town the book is set in, but you don’t mention if that title reflects an underlying theme—as in, we all have regrets, or we should never have regrets, or we only regret…whatever. Don’t waste that name. At the very least, make it a sub-theme.

Based on this query, I have to assume your book has no plot. Without a plot line, I have no clear sense as to what type of book this is. Is it a romance—does she marry the father of Sariah? Is it a literary novel, about growth and personal strength? Is it a mystery? Is it horror? If I don’t know what category to put it in, I have no idea if I can sell it our not.

You have too many characters in this query. Pick two or three of the strongest and then lump the others together in a generic category. These characters also have no clear and solid connection to the story. What about them? Does Jane learn and grow from her encounter with them? Are they all connected to a plot somewhere? Or do they just float in and out of her life? And the one character I’m interested in is the stranger in the chicken coop. From the set-up, this should be a key character and we need to know more about him/her. Is this a man Jane is going to fall in love with? An elderly, homeless woman? A child Jane befriends? Or a psychotic killer who intends Jane as his next victim?



THE REWRITE:

Dear Editor,

No one chooses Regret, Wyoming as a destination unless they’re visiting relatives or having car trouble. But for recently divorced Jane Field, Regret, Wyoming may be her last best chance to build a safe and secure home where she can raise her seven-year old twin daughters, Hannah and Faith.

Jane’s new life in Regret begins to fall apart when her child support disappears due to her ex-husband’s gambling addiction. Coping with midnight mailbox mashers, skunks, and a meddling sister-in-law is trouble enough, but then Jane discovers that Hannah and Faith are keeping a secret—someone is hiding in the chicken coop behind their new “old” house.

Just as Jane is about to give in to discouragement, a handful of eccentric townspeople—including Luke and Rosina, who are trapped in the cycle of Luke’s mother’s past, and Douglas Riley, an 11-year old who has been accidentally abandoned by his divorced parents—teach Jane that a home is more important than a house, and both must be set with sure foundations and framed with faith.

Regret, Wyoming is a literary novel of 90,000 words, intended for LDS women. It emphasizes the importance of individual righteousness and strong family relationships in creating a gospel-centered home. It is the first in a collection of novels set in Regret, Wyoming. I'd be happy to send you the complete manuscript for your consideration. Thank you for your time. An SASE is enclosed for your reply.