7/5/06
Pitch # 8
At age 28, Confederate Sergeant Eli Slater is in charge of a group of Rebels trained to assassinate President Lincoln and his top advisors in one devastating blow; but their plans are jeopardized when he captures the daughter of a general they are assigned to kill. When she discovers their plans and learns of Slater’s involvement in an assassination plot on Brigham Young, everything is threatened. Now with spies on both sides of the line, the sergeant makes a bold move and takes her North–into the camp of her father. (90 words)
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4 comments:
This sounds fascinating! I'll vote for this one, and hope it gets published soon.
This is another one where I don't have nearly enough information to determine if I want to read more. Lacking that information, I will simply send a rejection.
Is this a romance between Slater and this "daughter of a general"? Is it suspense and intrigue only? Or is it a war story?
If there's no romance, why is this girl mentioned? If it is a romance, I need to know more about her. What does she have to do with the story and why is it a "bold move" to take her north? And who is this general they've been assigned to kill? And how do they all connect to Brigham Young?
Fill in the missing info and you might get a request for more.
Hey, never call me defeated. Let's try this again using your suggestions and three different sentences.
Based on fact, this historical romance of intrigue finds 28-year old Confederate Sergeant Eli Slater keeping his past involvement during the Utah War and an assassination attempt on Brigham Young well buried until he is forced to take a beautiful hostage: Camille, a recent convert to the Mormon Church and the daughter of a Northern general. Now in a position he dislikes even more than the war, Slater finds himself growing fond of Camille even as he is forced to stand as sentinel between her and his men-–a group of Rebels he is assigned to lead on a mission to kill President Lincoln and his top advisors in one devasting blow, including Camille’s father. His plans are threatened when Camille learns the truth of his past and future plans; now the destroyed feelings between them leave the sergeant deeply divided between his duty and the woman he has grown to love, until he makes a bold decision to protect both by taking Camille north...right into the very camp of her father.
Oh my gosh! YES!! You nailed it! I'd be asking for a full. :)
This rewrite is exactly what I was hoping this contest and this blog would do. I'm not trying to smash anyone's hopes, but to show them how to get my attention the right way. And if it got my attention, chances are it will get the attention of other editor/publishers too. Good work and good luck!
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