Stupid Questions for a Stupid Day

I'm tired and in a bad mood. (I know, you simply can't imagine that because I'm always so pleasant and helpful here, and I never rant or express negative emotions.)

And it SNOWED. OMH!*

I just cannot write a serious and helpful post today. We're going for Stupid Question Day instead. These are actual questions I've received as LDSP. They have been edited for space and the identifying details have been changed.

I would love to be published under the LDS Publisher imprint. I've attached my 297,143 word [exact number from e-mail] epic fantasy about two Mormon missionaries who are abducted by aliens and end up converting an entire planet.

You're kidding me, right? No! Because:

1. The LDS Publisher imprint requires a $2,000 reading fee and you didn't send your credit card information in the e-mail.
   
   
2. It's way too long. You must first shorten it to an even 297,000 words.
   
   
3. Your attachment had a virus in it. I hate you and your little dog, too!

This is an advice blog, not a publishing company. There is no LDS Publisher imprint. You actually need to cut it down to around 100,000 words for a first novel. And don't ever send attachments to publishers unless they ask for them.

[from same letter as above] If you choose not to publish it, could you please print it out and give me margin notes so that I'll know how to change it?

Seriously? The answer is not just No, it's Heck No!

1. There's not enough toner in the world to print that thing, and
   
   
2. [laughing hysterically] I'm not going to read it. I'm not even going to open the file.

LDSP, I've noticed that the same people keep showing up as sponsors of your blogs. Jennie Hansen gets in there a lot. Zarahemla also gets all their books on as sponsors. As does Annette Lyon (who sponsored the LDS Fiction blog last month and I noticed she's now a sponsor of the LDS Publisher blog this month.) My book has never been chosen as a sponsor. It seems like there's some favoritism going on. Is that fair?

As Miss Snark would say as she sets her hair on fire, "Somebody shoot him with a clue gun."

Sponsorship is done on a volunteer basis here. You e-mail me and tell me you're willing to be a sponsor. I take everyone in the order that they contact me. If your book has never been chosen as a sponsor, it means that YOU'VE NEVER VOLUNTEERED TO SPONSOR!

Dear LDS Publisher,
I understand that you aren't actively publishing anymore but I know you have a lot of friends in the publishing industry. Would you read through my attached query and make any necessary changes. Then would you please forward it with your recommendation to whichever LDS publisher you think would be a good fit for my novel?

I'd be happy to. Please send your credit card information in a reply to this e-mail.

No, wait. Forget that. Some readers might think I'm serious.

I am not an agent! There are no LDS agents because we can't make any money doing that job, and I'm not a nice enough person to just do you a favor like that out of the goodness of my heart.

*That's Oh, my heck! for you non-native Utahns.

**Poking fun with permission of writers of these e-mails.