Julia licked a mouthful of cream cheese off a toasted bagel as she read the front page of the Salt Lake Tribune. A Brachman’s bagel with extra cream cheese was what she thought about at five o’clock each morning as her alarm blared. It’s what compelled her to get out of bed and hurry into the solitary law office where she read the newspaper and watched the early morning news as she waited for her co-workers to slowly make their entrances. (This whole section slows down the story line. The information it gives us is misplaced because we don't care about Julia and her bagel compulsion yet.) Julia put the paper down as the local news on the television caught her attention. ‘More details are coming to light about last week’s murder on the University of Utah campus. The body of the Lady Utes’ basketball player, Avery Thomas, was found last Monday afternoon in the women’s locker room. Starting power forward for the Utes, Mick Webber, was arraigned yesterday for the murder. The couple was engaged, and this is the reason many are finding this heinous crime hard to believe.’ (Needs something here--her thoughts, internal dialogue--some type of response from Julia.)
Critique: Cut the bagel obsession and get on with the action.
Would I ask for more? Not based on this one paragraph. However, in a real submission, where you had several paragraphs to entice me, Julia's response to what she's just heard would determine whether or not I asked for more.
3 comments:
Too much focus on the bagels. I would get to the sensational story earlier in the paragraph. Like right away.
‘More details are coming to light about last week’s murder on the University of Utah campus. The body of the Lady Utes’ basketball player, Avery Thomas, was found last Monday afternoon in the women’s locker room. Starting power forward for the Utes, Mick Webber, was arraigned yesterday for the murder. The couple was engaged, the reason many are finding this heinous crime hard to believe.’ The newscaster voice caught Julia's attention and took it away from the newspaper she had been reading. Stunned, she slowly lowered her uneaten bagel to the desk she occupied in the quiet law office.
I vote for this one.
I'm sure more people would find it easier to believe if they were already married rather than just engaged. :P
I, ah, suspect this is one of those cases of two paragraphs stuck together to provide proper length - that would explain the bagels 'thought'.
This feels like the beginning of a Law & Order episode. You see events taking place from an external person's point of view. We don't know what Julia's connection to the story is, at this point. A final sentence that made that connection might help entice the reader to continue.
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