7/5/06
Pitch # 9
With the nation frightened by the deadly effects of a new hemorrhaging ulcer, Jaysen Dupray, a 34-year-old tribal lawyer, tries to forget the hemorrhaging death of his own wife until he makes a shocking discovery–the American government has been poisoning the people. Now with people dying, government records being altered and someone sending brutal e-mails, Jaysen sees the horrifying truth: latter-day prophecy is being fulfilled and he’s at the epicenter. Understanding now that his life and the lives of the American people depend on the safety of the buffalo, Jaysen battles to find a way out of the fatal maze even as someone in the government wants him dead. (110 words)
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6 comments:
Great idea. Caught my interest and held it moreso than the others.
I like it! Of course, I always have been intrigued by conspiracy theorists...
We can vote three times, right?
You can vote for as many different pitches as strikes your fancy, but only once per pitch. :)
I'll be labeled a snark for this, still...
"Now with people dying, government records being altered and someone sending brutal e-mails, Jaysen sees the horrifying truth: latter-day prophecy is being fulfilled and he’s at the epicenter."
People dying... government records being altered... and *brutal emails*? The writer was doing great until I read the brutal emails part. It's so incongruous to the premise of danger and latter-day destruction/apocalypse/megadisaster that it totally knocked me off track.
I think the writer has an interesting premise, but it needs a lot more glue to make it cohesive.
Lest the writer or anyone else here think I am beating up his/her baby--I'm not. Even those who have published books out the wazoo need critique. The ability to accept critique, know what to take from it, and how to use it to your advantage is what makes the difference between getting published and spending time in the slush.
You lost points for fuzzy genre hints. Is this futuristic? Or set in current day? Or historical fiction? Can't tell for sure.
What is the main conflict here? The government conspiracy? someone out to get him? Finding a cure for the bio-terrorism/poisoning? Re-establishing the buffalo? Healing from grieving over his wife? While the answer may be "all of the above," there still needs to be a main conflict, with the others as secondary. I couldn't tell which was the main one.
"New hemorrahging ulcer" struck me as odd. A new disease causing hemorraghing ulcers makes more sense, but you don't really catch ulcers. And I had a similar reaction to the brutal e-mails as did anonymous. That seemed a little anticlimactic after the poisoning, death and altered records.
Also, what latter-day prophecy? Is this a real live, honest-to-goodness, currently existing and documented prophecy? Or one you've made up? Either way, you could be in trouble trying to translate prophecy into a fictional situation.
And how are the buffalo the answer? That's too cliche unless there is a basis for it. Do the buffalo produce some enzyme that counteracts the hemorrhaging?
Tighten this up and I think it might get some interest. As is, I'd probably not ask to see more.
Finally...an honest response and list of what is wrong. (Eleven paragraphs for three lines. LOL) Actually, thank you. You can only build on a true foundation.
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