Critique-O-Meter #1

Dear LDSP,

Fifteen year old Jeremy James Johansen lived a rather boring life until the past year. Now, his father has disappeared, he’s been suspended from school for fighting, and he’s wandered through a portal to another world and become an old man. He can’t help but question his sanity when he spots his father just before being plucked from the ground by a dragon and taken to a man in black. The man’s teeth are chiseled sharp, like a cat’s, and he insists on calling Jeremy “Father,” [,] despite the boy’s objections. In trying to escape the scary man, Jeremy trips over his beard and plummets from the cliff to his death.

After waking from what he thought was a bad dream, strange things begin to happen. [to him--delete this.] [His] Jeremy’s hair turns white over night, he sees the face of an old man overlapping his own in the mirror, and strangest of all, his mouth talks without him at the most awkward of times. It seems that the dream was no dream at all, and somehow the spirit of the old man has been forced to share his body with him. In time, Jeremy discovers that the portal holds the answers not only to his rebellious body, but most importantly points him down the path to find his father — and help save a world.

The young adult fantasy, [Title] is complete at 72,000 words and is the first in a series.

I am a staff writer and regular participant in the [an online writers blog], as well as an administrator for the online writing workshop The XYZ Writing Workshop, and have been published in [recognizable title] magazine.

I would love to send a copy of my manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and attention. I’ll look forward to hearing from you.


Sincerely,
Hopeful Author

Uhmmm. Other than the three red spots, I can't find anything wrong with it. I read a lot of YA fantasy and this is unique enough to get my attention. I'd ask for the manuscript.