12/10/08

Christmas #10: Untitled

You have to have a title. Even thought it might be changed, never submit without a title.

“Did you just hear what I just heard?” The chickens clucked to each other as they scrabbled in the yard for bits of food.
[paragraph]
“It’s going to happen tonight just down the lane at that old stable,” a matronly hen announced.
[paragraph]
“I just wish we could go,” a younger hen sighed.
[paragraph]
“You’re all so silly,” the gamey cock proclaimed. “Can you just imagine all of us marching down the street to a barnyard? What would people think?”
[paragraph]
“But this is such a special time…” [who said this?]
[paragraph]
“I know, I know. And at least, we do know that.” [who said this?]

[need some type of connecting sentence]

“I wish we would stop for a little while. I wish I could stop all these people hurrying by and tell them just what will soon be happening. But everyone is going by in such a rush and no one is even looking. Doesn’t anyone see? Doesn’t anyone care? I know, I am just a donkey that has been given this most important task of all. I hope I’m doing all right. If only someone would say something. Doesn’t anyone know?” [who says this? Needs to be broken into shorter sentences said by various animals.]

“Move over a little more. There. That’s much better.” The older cow said to her companion.
[paragraph]
“You do know who this is, don’t you?” she replied. [who is she? another cow? baby cow?]
[paragraph]
“Of course. And what an honor it is to think they have come here to our stable at this most important time.” A third cow spoke up.
[paragraph]
“You would think our owner would have provided a better place. I mean, after all, look who this is…”
[paragraph]
“Ah, but you know how people are. They just don’t get it.”
[Each speaker above needs to be identified]

“I wish they would just hurry up, so we can get there.” The camel looked across at his partner.
[paragraph]
“Be patient, my friend. This is, of course, royalty.”
[paragraph]
“But at this rate, it will take ever so long to get there,” the third camel exclaimed.
[paragraph]
“I know it will,” the older, wiser one answered.
[paragraph]
“But we will, eventually, get there. And along the way, think of all the others we will see and share this great event with.”
[paragraph]
The other two nodded knowingly.
[Identify each speaker a little more clearly.]

“Oh, my. Do you think they really know where they’re going and who they’re going to see?” The sheep huddled together and wondered.
[paragraph]
“Probably not,” spoke the gruff dog to his mate.
[paragraph]
“I don’t understand.” She turned to look at him with a puzzled expression. “This is about the most important thing ever and they leave us behind.”
[paragraph]
“But you know,” he added. “They are only human and they just don’t know…”

For unto us a child is born; the Savior of the world.

And the animals knew…

What I liked best: The idea that the animals know and the people are too busy with the hustle and bustle.

Magazine ready? Despite all the red, this one is closer than you think. It would make a great picture book. Remember the rule of three--have three groups of animals. I'd also like to see the animals make more specific comments about what the people are doing that causes them to miss the event.

2 comments:

Margaret Turley said...

nice switch in the POV to this joyous story of Christ's birth.

Taffy said...

I would love to hear this story longer! Good idea!