01 The Lonely Pony

Once upon a time in a far away land sadness was all around -
A little girl named Cindi was the only one who did not have a pony in this small town.

Every year Cindi asked her family if Santa would bring a pony her way –

And each year they answered “I don’t think so, at least not today”.

Cindi grew up with this wish in the back of her mind –

Still wanting a pony but knowing its daily care would take up too much time.

Santa watched Cindi from year to year wondering if he could ever make this wish come true.

He knew it was a challenge and he would see what he could do.

One day Santa was in the elf’s staging area where the gifts are made for all the girls & boys –

When he saw this lonely pony in the stack of unused toys.

He had an idea and put it in a store in Salado when he knew Cindi would be stopping in –

Sure enough she picked up the lonely pony and her face lit up with a grin.

Santa was happy he had found a pony for Cindi which was easy to care for each and every day.

Something that she would only have to pick up and hold and not have to feed it any hay.

Santa contacted his elf in Houston whose name was Anne

And asked if she would help in getting the lonely pony to Cindi and be part of his plan.

So now in the year 2008 in this far away land the people are happy and Cindi is too

For Santa delivered on his Christmas wish a lonely pony to Cindi whose name was “Blue”.

Blue was the name the elves gave him since a lonely pony was definitely what he had become –

But Cindi could change his name and the fact that he is a lonely pony with just a little love.

Santa told Anne to tell Cindi to be careful when you take him out of the box –

Make sure you tell her those black things are “pony poo poo”, not pieces of chalk!

What I liked best: The basic idea of substituting a toy pony for a real one. I could see this idea being developed into a Velveteen Rabbit type tale, where Cindi's love for the pony makes it "real." It has some potential but it needs work.

Publication ready: No. It needs a stronger story, more imagery, more involvement with the characters. I’d like to have seen Cindi’s reaction to the pony, her love for it. The poo-poo joke at the end does not fit the rest of the story. Do some research on children's picture books and then rewrite it. As for this particular Christmas story contest, I was looking for short stories, not picture books or poetry.

1 comment:

Jennifer Ricks said...

I assume this is doggerel? If it is meant to be serious, it needs a real meter to match the rhyme scheme and a different ending.