Opening Paragraph #11

Maybe, if I had known from the beginning Samantha was a ghost, I never would have entered the house on Amaranth Lane. (Good) But if I had not gone into the house I would never have experienced the next part of my life which, for now, involves telling Samatha’s story.(Weak) Sure, I know some will never want to hear it, ghosts frighten most people.(Weak) They don’t want anything to do with their dead. That’s why they bury them and walk away from the cemetery. (Strong) I was even told once it’s not natural to live with a ghost in your house. But now, after meeting Samatha, I think maybe it’s not natural to live in a ghostless house. (Good concept; rewrite the sentences)

(End your paragraph here and delete everything after this. You're telling us too much. Let it come out more slowly. Don't tell us what this story is going to teach us. Show us as it evolves.) So I’m going to share her story--not because it’s about a six-year-old girl who died before she wanted to, but because it’s a story about all of us who never quite know how to live while we have time. Samatha taught me that. She taught me a lot of things, including how close we really are to the dead yet we’re too frightened to open our eyes and see them. Most of all, she taught me how death can make you feel...alive.

Critique: Intriguing idea. Writing needs to be tightened up.

Would I ask for more? I'd tell you to rewrite and resubmit.


Anonymous said...

Very intriguing -- I vote for this one.

Anonymous said...

I like the opening line. I vote for this one.

Anonymous said...

This has a Young Adult feel to it - is that what the author was going for? It sounds interesting.

Another vote for it.