9/8/06

Opening Paragraph #17

Victor looked with trepidation at the blood spot in the snow. He knew from the pain in his side that his crampons had stabbed him when he fell, but the blood confirmed what he already knew. (tighten the sentence) His instincts told him (how? why?) that he was in danger. (of what?) Getting off the mountain was vital (why?) but with the pain in his wrist (what's wrong with his wrist?) and the blood, he felt he might not make it.(why not?) It had taken all his strength to get this far and he wondered where he could get more energy. He ate his last candy bar an hour ago and the energy boost was helpful (very weak ending)

Critique: Although you've shown us blood, you've told us everything else. It needs more punch, more sense of place. I need a reason to care about this guy--other than the generic "poor anonymous man is going to die...". I am not emotionally tied to this guy.

Would I ask for more? No.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is fun. I like voting for more than one because so many of these paragraphs would pull me deeper into the story and this is definitely one of those paragraphs. Thank you for that voting freedom LDSP. That said, I vote for this one, too.

Keith Fisher said...

I vote for this one too

Eldred Owens said...

I vote for this one