Julia licked a mouthful of cream cheese off a toasted bagel as she read the front page of the Salt Lake Tribune. A Brachman’s bagel with extra cream cheese was what she thought about at five o’clock each morning as her alarm blared. It’s what compelled her to get out of bed and hurry into the solitary law office where she read the newspaper and watched the early morning news as she waited for her co-workers to slowly make their entrances. (This whole section slows down the story line. The information it gives us is misplaced because we don't care about Julia and her bagel compulsion yet.) Julia put the paper down as the local news on the television caught her attention. ‘More details are coming to light about last week’s murder on the University of Utah campus. The body of the Lady Utes’ basketball player, Avery Thomas, was found last Monday afternoon in the women’s locker room. Starting power forward for the Utes, Mick Webber, was arraigned yesterday for the murder. The couple was engaged, and this is the reason many are finding this heinous crime hard to believe.’ (Needs something here--her thoughts, internal dialogue--some type of response from Julia.)
Critique: Cut the bagel obsession and get on with the action.
Would I ask for more? Not based on this one paragraph. However, in a real submission, where you had several paragraphs to entice me, Julia's response to what she's just heard would determine whether or not I asked for more.