Opening Paragraph #8

The young man woke with a start (cliche) and lay tense, listening, wondering what had roused him. Everything was quiet. The third story windows (where? in his room?) were closed against the chill autumn air, against the snow flurries predicted by the nurses, effectively shutting out sound. He studied the darkness beyond the lace curtains. But even if (don't start a sentence with "but even if") the panes were open he doubted he’d hear any noise since the hospital was perched on the mountain and so far from the red light district. (awkward sentence) Decent folk living nearby were tucked into bed at this hour. (Good, this tells us a lot.) He relaxed and moved his head slowly, very slowly, toward the new-fangled electric light spilling up the stairs. (huh? what stairs?) He was glad for the light. Working the silver mines by day meant he’d spent most of his life in darkness. Had his dreams wakened him? He couldn’t remember. How was he supposed to remember dreams of the dark?

Critique: Tighten up your sentence structure. Give us more intensity. Intriguing last sentence.

Would I ask for more? Probably not. Needs to be tighter. Needs to have a stronger hook.


Anonymous said...

I vote for this one.

Anonymous said...

"...dreams of the dark."

Very interesting. He's in a hospital. There's light--which is a change from his mining job--and he's wondering about his dreams of the dark. Okay, having lived in a mining town I want to know if there's been a mining accident. I have to vote for this one!

Anonymous said...

I should give this one a vote for being the first one with a male character!

Some of the sentences could use a little work - there's one that starts out "But even if" that runs on a bit. Still, looks like it could be an interesting historical piece.