“Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars.” Typing furiously, James Ralston smiled at his computer screen and continued whispering to himself. “Someone is going to jail, and someone else is finally going to get some recognition around here.” Maybe.
Critique: Hmm. There's nothing wrong with this. It's just too short. There is not enough information here to generate an opinion. While it may be fine as the first paragraph of a full chapter, the length is a definite disadvantage for this contest.
Would I ask for more? Depends on the strength of the query, synopsis and the other paragraphs sent with it.