10/26/07

Scare-Your-Pants-Off #20

I pushed the shopping cart next to the driver's side of the car and unlocked the doors. As I opened the door, a wave of heat assaulted me. I quickly started the car and turned the air conditioner on full blast. I left my door open to let some of the heat escape and carefully reached into the back seat and started buckling Julia into her car seat. I tried to calm her protests with a rattle and she grasped it tightly in her chubby hands.

Next it was Olivia's turn. I pulled her out of the cart and lugged her around to the passenger side of the car. I tried to remain calm as she cried about going to the park. "Maybe later sweetie, please stop crying. Let's go home and have lunch." I said all of these things as I struggled to get her buckled into her car seat. Then suddenly the car lurched forward. I cried out in pain as my shoulder caught on the edge of the door. Olivia stopped crying and her blue eyes widened in fear. I looked up and screamed as the car continued to move. A man was in the driver's seat of my car and I watched in horror as his foot slammed down on the gas pedal.

5 comments:

Tristi Pinkston said...

That's a little too scary for me!

Anonymous said...

It's too bad the man didn't just take Olivia out of the cart while Mom was buckling Julia in. Then Mom would have one kid AND the car, at least.

Candace Salima (LDS Nora Roberts) said...

Okay, that's past scary and right to terrifying.

Wm said...

I also vote for this entry. (2 down -- one more vote to go).

LDS Publisher said...

Every mother's nightmare and definitely horrifying, but not "horror"--unless the man in the driver's seat is a werewolf, or Frankenstein or that type of monster.

You've got some good description. I can picture the scene perfectly. I'm thinking this might actually work better in third person.

I'd suggest you develop these two paragraphs into several more. Give us more info on the mother, show us some more detailed interaction with her children, a peek into her inner dialogue and feelings. Give us some more emotional conflict--then pop the car/kidnapper into the scene.

I'd like to see more of this, but submitted as a different genre.